Let them run and eat cake

Hey…

Posted on: June 21, 2011

remember me? I have been a sh@#$y blogger and I am sorry. I haven’t had a whole lot to say I guess. Or maybe I should say I haven’t felt like sharing.  I have had a lot going on this year.  Some good some bad.  I haven’t done well on the weight loss front.  I can’t get back into it.  I have had trouble getting myself mentally back in the game.

Long and short of it at the beginning of the year I found out I was pregnant. Yay! I couldn’t exercise because it made me nauseated. I gained weight. In March I had a miscarriage and I gained weight.  At first I jumped back into exercise because it made me feel good.  I tried to do to much to fast and I ended up hurting myself over and over again.  Quite frankly I am not doing as well mentally as I let people think I am. I am still sad and I still want to cry.  I know I need to cut myself some slack here but I can’t do that.  I don’t know why.  I know my body has been through a lot this year but I know where I was 2 years ago.  I had lost 93 pounds and now I have gained like 30 if not more. I refuse to get on the scale.

I don’t know how to get me back.  I miss the old me.  I know I’m not going to ever be the same but I need to stop dealing with it all by eating whatever. That just makes me even more upset really.  I don’t expect anyone to give me answers because honestly it’s something I need to work through but I just wanted to get it out there.  Maybe this is the first step.

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2 Responses to "Hey…"

You know, Noel. I really wish I had the answer for you. Not only are we all different, but I don’t know what happened that I came out of the pain either.

I think of when I hit bottom. That was in September, when I started my thankful blog. But it was still months and months after that before I finally got it together.

I put 25 pounds back on. Even though I kept running. Even though I was eating healthy. It was the amount that I was eating that wasn’t healthy. I know what you mean about not doing as well as everyone thinks. And for me, it even varied from day to day, sometimes minute to minute, usually for no real reason.

You will turn a corner, friend. My corner took 10 months to find me. And there wasn’t a big glowing moment of “You’ll be okay!” or even a “I’m ready to do this now!” It’s more like I just found myself falling back into old, healthy habits. Like I was finally ready.

I had stopped beating myself up for putting weight on. I had stopped beating myself up for not making things work. I had finally stopped berating myself for not being healthy enough to carry a child. Because I had to realize that that just wasn’t the case. I was the healthiest I’d been in my life.

I still have bad moments – but that’s what they are now. Moments. Not weeks or days or even hours. But a crying spell at night. Or in the car. But the pain doesn’t control my life anymore. And I don’t know what to tell you made the difference except time. Because it sure wasn’t anything I did or any choice that I made purposely.

All the best to you, my friend. It gets better. Sometimes it’s still worse, but it gets better.

Thanks Krissie. It just helps to hear. I know no one can really help me get back there but it’s good to know that it’s possible. I just can’t rush it unfortunately. I just have accept that it’s going to take time and I am not a patient person.

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